a LessOn shE'd leaRned

Dia berjalan perlahan dengan langkah yang sengaja dipendekkan. Membuang pandangan ke kiri dan kanan jalan yang agak lengang tanpa penghuni. Sedikit muram namun cuba untuk bersahaja tanpa garisan emosi atau kedut-kedut ketidakpuasan hati.Ya, hari minggu, mungkin ramai yang ke pasar pagi di awal hari... tangan diangkat dan hujung baju sedikit diselak ke atas, menjatuhkan pandangan sekilas pada jam di tangan kiri. Dah tengah hari, hampir masuk zuhur. Cuaca hari itu baik, tak kelihatan awan mendung, langit juga cerah tanpa tanda hari nak hujan.

Cuma dirinya sahaja yang tak menentu. Rasa seakan terkilan tapi cuba untuk ditelan. Tak apa, biarlah dah nak jadi. Cuba pujuk diri walau rasa sedih masih payah untuk dihakis. Akibatnya, sedari tadi dia hanya duduk di bangku kayu usang, dengan beg yang berisi alat tulis dan buku nota diletak di atas riba, sebelah tangan beralih meletakkan bungkusan berisi makanan ke tepi, menarik nafas dalam-dalam dan cuba untuk bertenang. Sekadar merenung jalan raya dan kenderaan yang lalu lintas. Kemudian mata mula merenung pemandangan sekitar, mata dialih ke kawasan pohonan redup di seberang jalan, ke sekitar bangku tempat dia duduk sambil menunggu bas. Membiarkan diri menikmati keindahan hari sambil termenung kosong. Pondering without any good reason.

Tapi hati sedikit terusik dan sejuk apabila berjumpa dengan nini. Dia memang sedikit sebanyak dah berubah. Walau masih susah nak diajak ke majlis-majlis ilmu namun ternyata dia sudah memulai perubahan dengan menutup aurat lebih sempurna. Ya, itulah berita baik yang membawa kegembiraan padanya di hari ini. Tatkala diri sedikit terasa dan berkecil hati, tak terduga olehnya Allah akan memberikan sebuah kemanisan dalam perhubungan. Sungguh, tiada apa yang lebih menggembirakan daripada melihat nini semakin peka terhadap aurat. Dia tidak kisah, walau itu cuma perubahan yang kecil dan mungkin tak significant pada yang memandang, namun dia dah cukup gembira dan bersyukur tatkala pandangan mata melihat sekilas pada bahagian tangan nini yang tertutup rapi. Labuhan kain tudung juga kemas menutup bahagian yang sepatutnya. Senyumnya kian melebar.

Patah kata juga semakin lembut, menyatakan terima kasih padanya walau yang diberitahu hanya sekadar ‘ ade orang carik nini tadi’. Teringat dia pada kak hani, “Tugas akak bukannya mengubah manusia, itu sudah sedia maklum, tapi hanyalah cuba menunjuk jalan ke arah yang lebih baik, untuk diri sendiri semestinya, juga pada yang disayangi. Kerana itu akak ingatkan diri cuba sedaya upaya tidak berkecil hati atau bermasam muka jika ada yang kurang berkenan atau menolak apa yang akak bawa..” She doesn’t play God. She’s just merely a human being with limited abilities and multiple weaknesses. Sudah diberi peluang untuk mendapat rahmat dengan menyumbang secara kecilan dalam agama Nya juga sudah berupa penghormatan yang tak terhingga. Masih bernafas sebagai seorang muslim juga sudah membuat harinya bahagia.

Tak sangka lama dia termenung di situ. Dari jauh kelihatan bas yang ditunggu sedang bergerak ke arahnya. Berdiri, dia segera membetulkan dan menyapu dedaun yang jatuh pada baju. Beg dan bungkusan berisi makanan segera dia capai. Satu disangkut ke bahu dan satu lagi dipegang kemas. Hari yang memenatkan, secara emosi. Berperang dengan perasaan dan ego sendiri. Memaksa diri agar berusaha untuk diberi sebuah kekuatan dalam bentuk kesabaran, jua atas nama sebuah kemaafan. Mencuba untuk melupakan, kerna dia tau, maaf tanpa lupa umpama racun yang memakan jiwa. Tanpa ketenangan. Hanya sekadar di mulut, hanya sekadar cakap-cakap kosong tanpa keikhlasan, tanpa kesungguhan dan keberanian. Tak kan wujudnya hasil yang baik.

Ya, mesti belajar untuk memaafkan dan berusaha untuk melupakan. Mesti cuba untuk mencapai manisnya hasil dari memberi kemaafan yang ikhlas meskipun pelajaran itu menuntut seumur usia untuk menghadamnya. Kerana dihujung jalan pasti akan ada sinar kebahagiaan tanpa dendam. Dan sungguh itulah yang cuba digapainya nanti di akhir sebuah kehidupan.

this One's fOr the girLs

For all the girls around the world – happy women’s day

Don’t let the demands and expectations to cut you open.

‘Grandma, what it feels to be a woman?’ Dia memandang sekilas. Melakar senyuman. ‘women are among Allah’s most beautiful creation. But it depends on how you make used of your talent, mind and what do you fill your heart with,’

anak kecil itu termenung, menggeleng perlahan tanda tidak mengerti. ‘If you think what makes you beautiful in the eyes of others is merely due to your physical appearance, then that is what you are. 24/7 you will keep on thinking how to fulfill others’ expectation on you. Wasting your time just to ensure that your face is perfectly touch-up by artificial products and digging for sources of money just to accomplish your desires for cloth and jewelry. But at the end, you know despite of all the attentions given, they just love the way you move, your body but soul. No respect, neither they will cherish you as a human being, but only as an object. Your heart will grow empty and emptier as the time goes by and you started to regret every single attention that you had gotten because not any of them was due to concern, just lust.’

Berhenti sejenak, mengambil nafas sambil mata memerhati dedaunan hijau dan bunga-bungaan yang tumbuh mekar dalam tamannya. Pandangan tertumpu pada riang gembiranya sekumpulan burung-burung beterbangan pulang ke sarang bagi memenuhi perut anak-anak yang kelaparan.

‘But if you think that you are not an object to be pursued but a human being to be respected, then you should start to fight and gain others’ respect. No matter how the world might turn into, you will have your own point of view, your own stand and stick to it because you know right in your heart, it is the right thing to do and it is the truth – you won’t bother to be the wannabes as you completely understand to be a blind follower, either you are plain stupid or completely mad but to be a leader and to let the world to here your words, you should be a girl with pride and dignity’

kadang – kadang akan tergelincir, mungkin telah dan sedang tergelincir dari jalan yang sepatutnya, tapi itu bukanlah alasan untuk terus selamanya tidak betah bangun dari kegagalan dan memulakan langkah baru. Memang banyak kesalahan dan kesilapan yang seorang makhluk bergelar perempuan boleh lakukan, dalam sehari-hari, dalam seumur hidup, dan kadang-kadang apa yang pernah berlaku ketara bukan untuk menggembirakan diri sendiri tapi sekadar memuaskan hati orang lain.

Kenapa harus begitu?

‘pia, nenek ceitakan sebuah kisah ye sayang?’ sambil memimpin tangan si anak kecil ke arah buaian di bawah pohonan sena, menikmati bayu petang yang nyaman dan segar.

A story to describe the meaning of happiness.

This story of a young adolescent girl had begun in the high school, most common scenario in the planet. Some girls were queen bees and the rest were wannabes. Yeah, makeup, dress-up, prom night, cheerleaders and there came the word, ‘popularity’. Every one wanted the attention from others even in the wrong way. Dare to put aside their culture, courtesy or even religion. Bring them down to their hill; hide it deep down inside and drawn in the temporary thrill and enjoyment. At the end, yeah...she was succeeded in becoming the most popular one among the footballers; even the captain couldn’t keep his eyes from her. She eagerly wanted to be part of this popular people in the school and desperately befriended them.

She treated them nicely. Bought them presents, celebrated their birthday, wished them well for their league, cooked for them when they were sick, be with them when they were down, gave them supports and free advices when they dumped and got dumped and came to their party, just to look cool. For the acceptance, to be among them, so that others would know her existence, they wouldn’t dare to call her names, criticize her dress or laugh at her fashion, make-up or hairstyle. No more the word ‘naive’ or ‘good innocent kampong girl’. She was willingly to sacrifice every thing she had just to let others in the club to recognize her: dyed her hair red, went for make over when one of them complained that the skirt she wore, was too long and ugly, when others said that her top was from 80s and the rest said that she should try to be a little bit open and up dated herself with the latest fashion in the town.

And what did she get? Sometimes they came to her when they needed her but most of the time they were all having their own sweet time, hanging out with other girls or doing their guy-things. When she was alone, there was no one to hold her. Why? Because she knew that in order to achieve the fame and to be acknowledged, she had thrown her kind-hearted friends away, she was so embarrassed to be found with them, she didn’t even greet them when she bumped into them, passed by and pretended that she never knew them in her life. She did not have real friends that really listened to her words. What she was, was what others wanted for she, her opinion was not matter. It was weird that she was popular but she was alone and she could feel the loneliness inside. She kept asking herself, ‘Are you happy, girl?’

Later in her life, after 10 years, she became a very successful young lady in her field. She was rich, pretty, talented and smart. Every man on the street swore that she was the hottest lady they had ever met. They tried to woo her, impress her with all the cheesy words and never-ending promises, spent their money on 5-star candlelight dinner and expensive gifts. They wanted to be with her, to stand beside her, to date her because they said, ‘girl, you really have to know this. I met so many women in my life, and never one of them had caught my eye. When the first time I laid my eyes on you, I just knew it. That deep down in my heart, you are the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, you are the girl of my life, and meant to be mine.’

But they never knew her secret. Just to be at that level, everybody’s girlfriend, she had risked everything in her life. Thousands of dollars she spent on designed clothes and branded cosmetics so that they could notice her. They never knew, so many time she wasted, standing in front of the mirror, worrying that she might not slim enough, beautiful enough, observing every inch of her skin looking for scars, pimples and aging line. So many nights she wished upon the shooting stars to wake up the next morning with a gorgeous look so that she could hear people mentioned the word ‘pretty’ dedicated only for her. Sometimes, she was crying that she was hungry and craving for her favorite food but she just couldn’t eat that because it was just not in her diet. She walked passed the boutique, stopped by and wondering would they be pleased if she was in that dress. She knew how it killed her to live up to their expectations but she prayed in silent that she could make them happy – prayed very hard for it because she thought, it could make her happy too.

She would do everything that she could just to impress them. And she was lucky that they were falling for her, looking at her, crazy about her and even dreamt of her. They smiled at her and they made such funny jokes so that she would smile back at them. But it was weird, something was missing, after such a really long game, after all the effort she made and the money she had wasted, never any of them came to her and asked her hand in marriage. None of them ever had a plan to invite her for family dinner or mention the word ‘wedding’ or ‘marriage’ before her. Never had they talked about their wedding dreams, their dreamed home, starting a family and having children later in future. She swore it was never, even once. Again, she looked upon the mirror, standing still, and the loneliness embraced her once again. Yes, she was happy when they were around, struggled and competed with each other to win her heart and attention, to sweet talk her and poured her with compliments. But why none of them came with commitment? She couldn’t help but wondering, ‘Girl, who are you to them? Do you have a place in their heart or you just a medal to be won? Are you happy, girl?’

Years had gone by. She already reached her 40s. At the old age, nothing more that she wanted in her life. All the glamor had vanished, the fame had gone. The only thing that remained was the loneliness and an empty space inside her heart. But those too, were faded. It was weird despite of her condition: no more compliments from the hunks in the town, no more designed outfits, neither branded cosmetics, she felt the happiness inside. Despite of multiple aging lines and wrinkles scattered everywhere on her chubby face and running out of perfect body shape, she still could be grateful to her Lord for all His countless blessings and run life satisfyingly. The empty space was about to be filled, the hole was getting smaller. The night came without the feeling of loneliness. She woke up with a great smile – nope, not because of getting back her youth, but impatiently went to the next room just to ensure that her grandchildren really had their sleep. It was amazing, that she could just skip jogging and passionately prepared the breakfast, very early in the morning. She was no longer worried about her shape and sometimes forgot about gaining weight each time the kids asked her to accompany them eating the meals, the sweet smile that she would give each time they compliment her, not for her look but for the food.

Her opinion did matter, they would listen to her. They talked about schools, league, friends, their summer camp, winter trip and spring break. She knew that they loved her, and this time was for real. Not because of her body but because of who she had become inside. They appreciated the talent, her thinking and intelligence even they had no money to buy her exclusive presents or to reserve a prestigious place to celebrate her birthday. Even the only thing that they could give was a strawberry-topping donut from their school canteen or a cup of vanilla ice-cream and a bar of chocolate from the hawker outside the house. Finally, she found her own happiness, glad to know that she could now really rest in peace. Too much of her life was wasted, looking for happiness, only to know that the happiness was not about cloth, make-up or shoe but it was all about willingness to accept the one that a person loved regardless of his condition. Yes, she had learnt it in a very long suffering way but it was never too late to reach for the sky and stare at the beautiful colors of the rainbows. It was never late to attain happiness; the rainbows were never missing, always formed after the rain. The man she married to, had an ordinary face, nothing special with his look but glad to know that he was the best that she could have, the most sincere person ever.

Sometimes, she kept on laughing at her foolishness. How could she ever misinterpret the entire concept of happiness? She got a very beautiful lesson in her life:

‘The happiness is there, before the eye. Go and grab it. Never let anybody to stop you.

Just be yourself, and let others to accept you the way you are’

Dia menggamit dan melambai perlahan ke arah seseorang yang tenang menjatuhkan pandang melihat keindahan kolam tearatai milik mereka sambil menunjuk ke arah cucunya. Tersenyum senang lelaki itu melihat Pia tenang tidur di sampingnya. Mengajak suaminya untuk segera masuk ke dalam rumah setelah matahari semakin terbenam.

He stopped before her, held her hands,they smiled to each other then walked together with their granddaughter to their house that they called home...

this one's for the girls - martina mcbride

This one's for all you girls about thirteen
High school can be so rough, can be so mean
Hold onto, on to your innocence
Stand your ground when everyone's giving in

This one's for the girls

This is for all you girls about twenty-five
In a little apartment, just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's
Wondering where you life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are

This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

This is for all you girls about forty-two
Tossing pennies into the Fountain of Youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today


Yeah, we're all the same inside
From 1 to 99

tOrN

Things they learn from K-dramas: from arashian.com

If you have a best guy friend, he is in love with you. And secretly you are too.

Brothers/cousin/uncles-nephews will always love the same girl – it’s the way to show that they are all related, it’s in their genes

you’re allowed to make u turns wherever you want in Korea. And there is never traffic on the side you want to u turn to.

There is a super quick payment device that allows you to pay a bill quickly enough for a guy to run immediately out of a restaurant after his angry girlfriend storms out.

Everyone has cancer.

If you're rich, you're a jerk &
if you're poor, you're an angel

Women sleep and wake up with a full set of makeup on.

If you have a nosebleed, you most definitely have cancer. And you have no money to pay for the surgery that will save your life. And your liver is missing. We're not sure where it went, but it's making your cancer progress faster.

You always order orange juice or coffee at a cafe. And you never drink it. EVER.

You will always call your boyfriend by his job title. Never his name. Never. He doesn't have one.

If you TRULY love each other, you must die together in the end. Frozen outside instead of finding shelter like sane people. Just frozen....

You go to America you come back miraculously successful.

You go to England you come back amazingly fashionable.

You stay in Korea the only thing that changes is your hairstyle.

And if you come back with no apparent reason then it's because you have cancer.

Everyone always goes to the same hospital no matter where they are.

If you stand out in the rain for more than five minutes, you'll end up with a fever and vertigo and people will rush you to the hospital to get some magic IV.

And instead of taking an ambulance or driving they'll race you on their back.

Even if you're poor and can't eat, you never wear the same clothes twice.

If you play a poor kid, you always have dirt on your face and your hair is always messy.

If you're saving someone from being hit by a car, you'll push them out of the way and wait for the car to hit you instead. Couldn’t be more true, they like a deer in headlights

everyone has a long lost sister/brother/twin. Usually one they didn't know about.

If you don't want to answer your phone, you can't just turn it off. The battery needs to be taken out.

All Korean men can drink hard, smoke long, sing well and play piano. Usually all at the same time. And at the same restaurant that has a piano that they let anyone use.

If you're in a relationship, you must at one point leave and have your lover tearfully come RIGHT before you board the plane. 60% of the time is for both of you to see each other, the other 40% you're roaming around in circles and pass each other about six times, but miraculously never see them.

Girls will always storm off because they're mad and the guy will stoically grab them by the arm and swing them back- and by magic, not dislocate their shoulders.

Guys always look like they're 6 feet tall, even if they're only 5'10. Thank you camera angles.

Guys like to wear foundation, eyeliner and sometimes a smudge of lip liner.

You always get stuck in an elevator with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Even if there are six different elevators, you'll always be stuck in the same one with the one that you hate (or just fought with).

Unless you're fabulously rich, your in-laws will always hate you

so will your sister-in-law.

Your brother-in-law might be pining away for you.

A guy will always get the right size ring, even if you're never held hands.

People stare off into space and ponder a lot. They'll just stop in the middle of the road and watch a leaf on a tree for a good three minutes, and just ponder.

If you overcome great obstacles to be together, one of you must die. Probably due to cancer.

One Korean man can fight against 6 gangsters. Especially when they all stand in a circle and attack the guy one by one. Finally they wise up and attack the guy at the same time. Then the guy will get pulverized and bleed out onto the dusty concrete floor of the empty warehouse they've found to fight in. There will be a fire in a trashcan somewhere.

And the girl will have watched this the entire time, screaming in horror. Instead of calling 119, she'll just watch and cry. But it's okay. Because the next day the guy will be fine with a few random bandages and a few face scars. But never a black eye.

Things I learn:

There will always available old and empty warehouses everywhere in Korea – just in case if you feel like fighting or seeking revenge

There could be a chronic case of excessive uptake of estrogen hormone among the male – as the result, they become emotional, irrational, depressed, easy to shed tears and like to wear make up.

Don’t try to break up with your couple – she/he might end up having a serious indigestive problem that needed digestive pills to improve their digestion.

Most CEO in Korean are young, around late 20s to 30s and lack of talent in managing their family business – there will be a lot of financial problems and backstabbing whenever they took over the company.

Most males are multitasked – even though they are busy to save their one and only family business, they still have time to after their loved one and meet them even in office hour.

There’s a high incident rate of cancer in Korean: if you look pale and have fainted frequently, you have leukemia, you keep on having headache and nosebleed, and you must have brain cancer.

The main character was always a player before he found his true love – regardless how thick the make up he puts on and how hot- tempered he could be.

Yeah, love story always gives a strong impact to the viewers. Be it i a sad-ending or the happy-ending one, viewers will always attach to the characters emotionally.

They might laugh, cry, depress, hate, smile and some other emotional changes just by watching the story – not only K-drama but others, in general.

They might as well wish that their life will be exactly like the one in the movie. Just a simple plain ordinary girl, one day bumped into the son of the Hyundai’s CEO-cum-future CEO. Fell in love. Settle down, and had a never ending happiness at the end in spite of all the troubles, trials and tribulations in life.

While others, would try to find the similarity between them and their favorite character, which had been dumped by his/her partner or which were been tore apart by the family, just to feel a lot better. Frequently at the end, they will get the idea, that their life is so miserable, no one in this planet or even in this galaxy will understand their suffer, and there will be no other creatures or human beings who suffered more than they had. And also they will keep on asking others to understand their condition and give them as much time as possible to linger in the memory before they could build up some strength and try to walk again.

Let’s read this story.

Once upon a time, there was a great war. Murders all over the place. Corps and body parts were scattered and blood flowed slowly forming a shallow creek through the dirty roads down the village.

Of course, some still alive and managed to survive. It was so hard, even some of the survivors did ask for death. Ungrateful? Nope, never they were taught to be ones but when the burden increased as the future seemed so blurry, nothing more to ask then the end of their life.

How could they pretend that they were ok when some of them have to live with the fact that half of the genes of the baby that they were carrying was coming from the ones that invaded their nation? How could they stay alive without having nightmares of their sisters and mothers were assaulted and tortured by their enemy. And why would them want to close their eyes when all they could see in the dark was the pictures of their women were insulted and in the deep humiliation. All the sounds that hit their ears at night whenever they tried to have some rest and lie on the bed was merely hysterical voice of their females screaming, yelling and pleading for helps.

When think about it for any given reason, it was so impossible to bear but Allah always guided them onto the right path. Patience was the pain-killer and hope for heaven was a great anesthetic. While fear for Allah was the only mental and physiotherapy that they could get at that time. Alone...yes they had to keep up with the situation for a very long tiring period unstoppable and all alone. Even every here and there people from four-corner of this world yelling and screaming for peace but the true is, nothing had changed. They are still screaming up to this point with multiple meetings and discussions while these people keep on suffering endlessly.

And what was the worse part? When the delivery just around the corner and when the pain was unbearable to stand, the mum-to-be then had to give birth the out-of-wedlock baby with the very minimum facilities. The worst? When the pain was piling up as if it really wanted to kill them, soon after looking at their new born baby. How could they ever raise the baby or even look at the baby when 23 chromosomes that determined the genetic growth came from their enemy? Crying would never relief the syndrome, would never stop the pain and suffers but believing that all were destined by their Creator was the cure. One and only.

Listening to the baby’s crying to be fed was definitely stabbing their heart. Broke it into pieces. But at the same time they were still in the denial state and some became extremely depressed. Is there any light for them at the end of their journey in this world? When people that claimed they are their brothers and sisters in Islam easily put them aside without any single sympathy. Huh, that is not the pathetic part. Not yet. Leave these people for awhile and let’s get back to our daily life.

What could be more hurtful than the fact that some women in some parts of this planet trying to preserve their pride and dignity and worked really hard just to protect themselves and their aurat but never be able to complete the task, while some other women just simply revealing every and each part of their body for free and for public viewing even they are being given lots of chances and reasons for not doing that?

What could be more painful than the fact that some women strived so hard for respect from their opposite-sex by taking a good care of their manners, lowering their gaze and voice but at the end they became victims of the evil invaders in their own homeland, only to know that other women purposely became cheep and desperately friendly without any single sign of guilty or embarrassment of their sick attitude? Couldn’t they be grateful even for once for the secured condition that they are living in? Why would they want to swim against current? In the dangerous way of socializing with their different gender and let themselves served as a baton in this life relay that can be passing over from one runner to another?

The story above is indeed never a love story

It’s not about 2 people looking and searching for love

and only to know that they aren’t meant to be together at the end of the journey

It’s not about the numerous obstacles coming from family, friends and whosoever the villains

before they unite their love and recite their vows in front of each other

Or the extreme depression and the profound frustration once being dumped by the loved one

or once the relationship isn’t approved by the parents

This is the story of humanity

In a hidden place where the peace is merely a fairytale

The suffers are far greater, the pain is persistant and intense

When they deserve all the sympathy and empathy in this world and from their brothers and sisters

but they just can’t have it no matter how many the attempts they have made

Because no more tears left,

All go for the cheesy lovey drama, reality programmes and the problematic premarital relationships among the Muslims

That so responsible for stealing the tears from the women and children of wars

They aren’t beggars that begging for alms and money

They just wish for the support and hope to lend some strength and confidence to get their land back

-tOrN-

Illusion never changed,

Into something real,

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,

You're a little late,

I'm already torn

We are so much late, they are already torn...